Saturday, September 22, 2007

Heart Talk

Today snuck up on me. We've decided to sell our house, but that is another story. I mention it so that you can picture me amid paint cans and cardboard boxes feeling surrounded. I woke up today and waded through the cardboard and home improvement tools and ignored them. Instead I chose to settle in my office which is off limits to the accessories of Better Homes and Gardens' home decor upgrades. I have closed the french doors and locked away all of the shifts and currents that have engulfed my life for now.

How rare and lovely now to be here...alone with my thoughts and the keyboard.

My sister and I have been connecting regularly in the last several months. I find this to be a wonderful new turn of things. She was older than I was when we were adopted into different families and so she has more memories of our younger years.

She remembers and she cannot decide if this is a blessing or a curse. I recognize the demons she struggles with as they have come to sit beside me at times and breathed hot green air on my state of mind. We have found the value in each other after years of longing and reaching for love from biological parents who simply have never stepped up to the plate. I suppose we had to venture down that path until we simply gave up with the recognition that time and history has poured over and down the waterfall and blended in with the landscape of what has unfolded in our lives and who we have become. For both of us we find we are no longer tethered by the longing for mother and father or by finding self fulfillment which seemed only to be satisfied by them. We are finding our whole selves along the way. We are beginning to dance openly with our authentic selves and what has come from this letting go and sensing our truer selves is our turning to each other. We are now available. We now have no angst between us. We can simply say I love you and not be fearful of what that means.

If feels as if the hand that I have outstretched for so long has finally been grasped and my heart has settled into the hold that it has found through the love my sister offers me and the love I offer her. There is equal energy in the giving and the receiving and this must be a rarity in the world. At least I have found this to be true in my world. Our hands, entwined in the fingers of sisterhood, have linked me to my history, my genetic heritage, and to the heart of my family.

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