Saturday, January 03, 2009

A New Month ~ A New Year




New thoughts on old themes scatter themselves where pine needles dropped after the tree had done its job.
Moments in the evenings around those glowing tree lights ~ twinkling and sparkling ~ invited inner ponderings.
Reflections brought me to my heart with glistening tear wetted cheeks and gratitude ~ for they live hand-in-hand.
Love is so imperfect. Love of self, love of others, receiving love, giving love. These all wear foibled garments.
When I look at family I see up and down and inside and out now.
It used to be that I was only able to see how I had failed; how I had brought my own set of imperfections to the mix.
Or how I used to and still fall prey to seeing all those things that others have taken from me or refuse to give.
My lament so often has been: “Please…just let me love you.”
In this there is a certain expectation that lies just under the surface and that is that I am unlovable and so no love returns.
I’m learning to see love. Love doesn’t always come the way I imagine it will…wrapped in the paper that my imagination would like to have it arrive in.
But love does arrive and so often in the past I haven’t answered the door or recognized that it has come to me from another’s heart.
This is the year ~ in this new month ~ this new year ~ that I am choosing new eyes to see with…to look a little closer…to unclasp the grip of fear of being unloved…
Long enough to see how I am loved.
He placed my full suitcase on the guestroom bed just where I like it so that I can unpack slowly with lots of room. He unzipped the case and spread it wide open for me.
This is love. This is being seen.
She saved all of my letters ~ even the silly ones from camp when I was only 6 ~ and gave them to me in an envelope this year marked: Gwendolyn.
This is being treasured.
She found me in a sea of people and energetically greeted me. Said she had missed me and could we have coffee or get together some time.
This is being appreciated.
He calls out to his mum and points his 2 year old finger out the car window with enthusiasm and says, “Go Grammy’s! Mommy, go Grammy’s!”
This is being wholly loved.
I curl up in my big comfy sofa with my little dog and look around me ~ I whisper to myself of my gratitude for my life and quietly take inventory of all that I have become and all that I have valued and brought into my life that I find of deep worth.
I embrace myself and in this I know that this is indeed a new month ~ a new year.

12 Comments:

Blogger Ash said...

~ ~ ~ grateful for you & your work, Gwendolyn ~ ~ ~

Ash

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I enjoy your site very much. Much insight and thought provoking.

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